A Few Things We Might See in Brazil

by Dave Hearn

Marcel Desailly sweating profusely in a lilac shirt whilst trying to fit as much analysis into forty-three seconds as possible, ranging from what was said in the French dressing-room prior to the 1998 final kicking off to what was said in the French dressing-room during the half-time break of the 1998 final.

A grainy shot of Geoff Hurst in the corporate seats.

Jim Beglin exuding an air of authority whilst talking about the standard of the Chilean first division.

Shots of the FIFA bigwigs’ wives sitting in the corporate seats whilst Peter Drury feverishly tries to cobble together an insight into what they might be thinking about.

Gary Lineker orchestrating the seamless transition from a post-match debate concerning ‘England’s Brave Young Lions’ into an emotional montage set to a Kasabian album-filler after a disappointing second round exit to Colombia.

A grainy shot of Pele in the corporate seats.

Mark Lawrenson using the term ‘Keystone Cops’ when analysing a pulsating counter-attack move that sees Cameroon fall behind to Croatia in the third minute. He will later compound this by using the term ‘Jekyll & Hyde’ to describe the Croatian goalkeeper after he drops a routine catch just moments after making a truly smashing save from a thirty-yard pile-driver.

Honduran, Costa Rican, Japanese, Iranian and South Korean players being patronised to within an inch of their lives by an ever-irritating Clive Tyldesley. Apart from Shinji Kagawa, obviously.

A grainy shot of Bobby Charlton in the corporate seats.

It becoming clear after just six or seven minutes of the Iran v Nigeria game that John Motson’s research isn’t as thorough as it was in the seventies because he hasn’t quite worked out how the internet works yet.

Mick McCarthy using a derogatory term you haven’t heard since the mid-eighties when talking about the Algerian goalkeeper’s decision to punch clear a corner, only to see said punch hit one of his own defenders on the back and leave the South Korean forward with the job of tapping it into an empty net.

A grainy shot of Geoff Hurst sweating profusely in the corporate seats.

Alastair McGowan being interviewed on a balcony somewhere near a designated fan zone, doing impressions of Roy Hodgson and Gary Lineker whilst Gabby Logan and several others crack themselves up with laughter in the studio.

Ian Wright to react so enthusiastically to England scoring the opening goal against Uruguay that the director of ITV feels compelled to show us said reaction during the half-time break. Peter Reid will then say something inconsequential about it.

A grainy shot of Diego Maradona sweating profusely in the corporate seats.

James Corden popping up in the studio completely unannounced and laughing hysterically as the pundits around him decide that the Greece v Japan game isn’t worthy of any half-time analysis.

An online campaign to replace Jonathan Pearce with Barry Davies at the earliest opportunity will gather gentle momentum after Pearce persists in pronouncing the names of the Brazilian players in a Portuguese accent.

A grainy shot of Bobby Charlton sweating profusely in the corporate seats.

Football pundits debating the impact of socio-political and/or socio-economic policies in various regions of Brazil after a 0-0 draw between Ecuador and Greece. Robbie Savage will be present and the debate will feel like it lasts a lot longer than it actually does.

Several pundits spending several minutes discussing England’s scientific approach to dealing with the prospect of playing against Italy in the jungle, with the idea that the best way to acclimatise to the conditions in Manaus was by having the players train in their winter coats at the end May being thoroughly dismantled by Kevin Kilbane.